This is What I Need for Mother's Day (a parody)
This is satire. Don't @ me.
It wasn't the first time Sarah Guerrero, freelancer and mom of three, wished she had Joanna Gaines sitting next to her, cheering her on with encouraging words and maybe a cupcake, but on a sunny March afternoon, two days into spring break, inspiration hit.
The mom of three used her innate desperation and weird, cult-like love of Fixer Upper and book clubs to create one of the biggest game-changers to modern female life since Spanx.
Sarah's new app offers mothers everywhere a chance at the kind of inspiration they've been waiting for. For a small fee, users can download encouraging messages from Reese Witherspoon, Joanna Gaines, or Brené Brown.
App Has Been Downloaded Half a Trillion Times
The app has taken the world of motherhood by storm. One of the most popular messages is the Dishes message from Reese. If you've avoided doing the dishes for so long that you're now using Tupperware lids as plates, you can download Reese's message, complete with her trademark Southern drawl:
"girl, you just get you some paper plates and don't you feel guilty about it. You're the best mom I know. If I could be there, I'd just roll up my sleeves and get in there for you. What, like it's hard?"
The Message for Working Moms
Joanna's message is for the days your kids cry when you leave them at daycare, and somebody tells you she stays at home with her kids because children need their mom at home, and you're torn between strangling that person and having your own meltdown.
Joanna is characteristically reserved, but sincere:
"I know those days are hard, but there's something I know from my own hard days as a working mother: you are enough. You are learning to be selfless yet strong. Shiplap."
Snacks are the Literal Worst
Brené Brown's message is for the mom who just realized she was supposed to send her kid to class with the class snack, and now she has to wake up her napping baby, load everyone into the car, drive to Target, unload everybody, buy the snacks, get back into the car, unload at school, drop off the snacks, load back up, and return to the house for a few hours before repeating everything for school pick up.
"You are worthy of love," Brené says in her clear, articulate tone, "and your children are learning to embrace vulnerability and imperfection because you're treating yourself with kindness and honor. Good job, wholehearted mother! Pick up a mocha frapp with extra whip on your way."
For an extra fee, moms can play each message on a loop all day long (this package comes with noise-canceling headphones that diffuse calming oils).
World Changes Coming Soon
Sarah explains, "moms literally run the world, and we're finally getting the encouragement we've deserved all along. Now we're working on an app that pays women for each load of laundry they do. We're confident we'll soon produce the richest people in the world."
The app has some exciting new partnerships in the works. Michelle Obama plans to record a message for moms whose arms are getting cut with all the child lifting/rocking they're doing now, and Jen Hatmaker is going to prepare a message for moms at the end of the school year who are sending some very inappropriate meals to school for lunch.
This is all tragically not true, there are no such apps, and the quotes are fake (except for the "what, like it's hard?" one; that's from Legally Blonde. Sarah's fanatic love of cupcakes, book clubs, and women with grit is, however, totes real.
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